


I Love You, And I Still Do

by WinchesterObssessed1967



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel Angst, Ends Up Pretty Sad Though, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Homophobic Language, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry Dean, I'm so sorry, John's A+ Parenting, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Not Happy, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Poor Dean, Sad, Starts Out Happy-ish, Tragedy, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 15:40:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6382453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinchesterObssessed1967/pseuds/WinchesterObssessed1967
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is having a lot of trouble moving on from Castiel. His Castiel. He's having trouble sleeping at night and is slowly starting to turn into an alcoholic. It all starts at his funeral.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Love You, And I Still Do

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry for this. I really am.  
> WARNING: This story contains a lot of triggering thoughts. If you are sensitive to self harm or suicide, DO NOT READ. Very descriptive details.

Dean was the one who found him. Found him right outside of his,  _their_ , house. Shot straight through the chest. And those worthless shitheads that call themselves policemen haven't been able to find out who had shot his boyfriend, his beautiful boyfriend, Castiel. 

The funeral was five days after the incident. It was mostly Cas' family. With his brothers, Gabriel, Lucifer, and Michael. Along with his father and at least a dozen of cousins, aunts and uncles, and even a few nieces and nephews. Ellen, Jo, and Bobby had showed up and Sam sat with them, knowing that Dean needed his space during these types of things. Dean didn't speak for almost 8 months after their mother had passed so he could only imagine how much heartache his older brother must be going through. Their father wasn't any better, turning to alcohol and drugs after Mary's passing. Neglecting their sons of a father figure. Dean was pretty much the one that raised Sam. Feeding him and making sure that he was doing good in school. It kind of served as a distraction from what was really wrong. This time though, Dean wouldn't have a distraction. He doesn't have a little brother to raise. 

Dean sat right next to the casket during the whole funeral. Crying. He didn't hold back, and no one tried stopping him knowing that there's no way they'd be able to anyways. All of his emotions were just released once the funeral started, and throughout the whole service, no one bothered him. He was clenching one of Cas' shirts, trying to remember his smell. His mother got up and spoke, along with the rest of Cas' family. Jo and Ellen went up and talked about how Castiel had helped Dean throughout the short time that they were friends, and then into lovers. Hell, even Bobby got up and spoke, saying how Cas was practically family. He cared and protected Dean in a way that he couldn't. Somehow that made Dean cry even harder. The funeral was finished but they didn't put the casket down into the ground. "I understand how hard you're grieving." Said one of the gravediggers. "So I'll let you be here as long as you need. You have until dusk. I'm sorry for your loss." The man walked away and Dean hadn't let up on his crying but silently thanked the man for letting him stay. 

It had to be no more than an hour when Dean had finally let up. He looked up at the flowers that laid on top of Cas' casket. His favorites; sunflowers and lilies. This made Dean start crying again. That's one of the things Dean loved about Cas, his love for flowers and nature. Cas had always wanted a garden, but since they lived in an apartment complex, they were never able to have one. So in replacing the garden there were potted plants everywhere in their little home. It wasn't a surprise to see Cas watering them whenever Dean came home from a long day from work. Dean didn't know what he would do now, never being able to see that again. Dean promised himself then that everyday when he came home from work, he's going to water every single plant that is in that apartment, and there's a lot. But Dean would still do it, because he knew it would make Cas happy. Dean was still crying and he could feel himself becoming dehydrated from the amount of it that he's been doing that day. 

Dean cried for another 30 minutes without any signs of stopping, again. He somehow ended up on his side, clutching the grey AC DC shirt. A shirt that Dean had give Cas after their first time. They'd 'accidentally' gotten 'some substance' on Cas' shirt so Dean gave him his shirt. Apparently he'd kept it ever since and tried wearing it every night that he could. He loved that shirt because it was a part of Dean, so he always had a piece of him whenever he was away. Dean always found it adorable when he would go to see him early in the morning to find him wearing his old shirt. He never could get enough of seeing his little angel in his own old ratty T-shirt.

Dean wanted to stop crying, he knew that he needed to be strong, he needed to be strong for Cas. Even though Cas was the one that had convinced him that it was okay if he wasn't strong all the time. Cas was always so proud of him no matter what he did. Whenever he would get into fights at the bar, Cas would always say that he has a good reason to. Whenever he would do something reckless or did something that had almost gotten him killed, Cas would understand. Every. Single. Time. Always said that he had every good reason to do whatever it was that he did. Just to never do it again or he would get sex taken away for a week. That had happened at least six times. Dean cleaned up his act after the sixth week passed. It had been utter torture. Thinking about this made Dean slightly smile but he still hadn't let up on his weeping.

Dean thought back to the day that he had met Castiel for the first time. It was at the Road House and he was singing. Ellen had always loved Dean's voice and would always say that he had gotten it from his mother always singing him to sleep or as she cleaned around the house. So Ellen had given him a place to be noticed, a place where he could show off his talent. Every weekend at the Road House at 8 o'clock, he would get onto the stage with the guitar that was given him when he was 12 years old and put on a show. Dean had his regulars that would always tip generously and he knew some of them by name and others by their face. But when he scanned the audience that Saturday night, he had never seen eyes like those. Deep,  _deep_ , blue eyes, so dark yet so light, and they looked as if they were trying to get inside Dean and see into his soul. Dean hadn't notice that he was staring. He was still singing and playing, but he wasn't looking out throughout the whole crowd like he normally would. The crowd didn't seem to notice or find it odd and kept listening to him. Dean finished his last song of the night while still staring into those blue eyes. The audience clapped and the mystery man clapped along with them with a smile on his face. Dean instantly fell in love with his smile has he had his eyes. He made his way off of the stage and his to the back room passing Ellen on the way. "You did good out there hun. But then again you always do." Ellen complimented him with a smile and gave Dean a pat on the back. "Thanks Ellen." He replied but his mind was still somewhere else. Blue, all he saw was blue. He decided that he wanted to know this man more. Wanted to know his name and what he liked, what he didn't like, what his favorite movies or books were. Dean wanted to know everything about him and this is the first time he's ever seen the man. He quickly put his guitar back into the case and made his way back into the bar. Everyone was saying that he did incredible and giving him all kinds of compliments. Dean said thank you to everyone who did while still trying to shuffle his way through the crowd. This had to be the most packed the Road House has been since he'd started singing there. Waddling his way through the tons of people there, he searched for the mysterious blue eyed man. He finally made his way somewhat back to the stage where he finally saw him again. He was talking to a redheaded girl with the same blue eyes, but they weren't as beautiful as his. The stranger then turned to him and given him a small smile. Dean couldn't help himself and gave the man a smile in return. The stranger quickly turned back to the red headed chick and said something to her. She turned and left but not before making eye contact with Dean and giving him a once over. She smiled and then finally made her towards the exit. Dean looked back at the man and took the last few steps before he was right next to him. The man still had a smile on his face and that made Dean smile even more, if that was even possible. "Hello." Oh fuck. This dude's voice oozed sex and Dean wanted to hear more. "Hey." replied Dean. He was suddenly nervous being closer to him, he didn't know if the man swung that way or if he was straight. "My name's Dean." He introduced himself and help out his hand for the stranger. "Castiel." He replied while taking Dean's hand and giving it a firm shake. "Castiel, uh? Does that mean something?" Dean asked while releasing his hand and Castiel nodded. "It's the name of an angel." Dean smiled at this information, the name fit Castiel because he really did look like an angel to Dean. "Religious family?" he asked. Once again, Castiel nodded. "Oh yeah. They're probably the most religious people you would ever meet." Dean nodded at this at well. There was a pause of silence but it wasn't uncomfortable between the two. "May I offer you a drink?" Castiel smiled at this. "I would love that." Dean turned to lead him back to the bar, turning back every once in awhile to make sure that Castiel was still following him. "Hey Ellen!" Dean shouted over the loud patrons still in the bar, "Two beers please!" Ellen turned back to tell him that yelling at her was gonna get him nothing but she noticed that Dean wasn't sitting to next to a young lady but next to a man. She knew exactly what was going on then. "Comin' right up Dean!" You could practically hear the smirk in her voice. Dean turned his whole body to get a good look at Castiel. The man was fit judging by his broad shoulders straining against his white button-up shirt. He was tall but not as tall as Dean and his black hair was a mess. Dean loved every bit of it and had to hold himself back from running his fingers through it. "So," he started, "I don't think I've ever seen you around here before." Castiel gave Dean his attention and looked at him as if he wanted to listen to every word Dean was saying. "Yeah. I just moved here from Florida not too long ago." Dean took note of that. Ellen then brought them two beers. "Here ya go boys." Dean thanked her and she walked away to help the other customers at the other end of the bar. Castiel took a swig of his beer before turning his attention back to Dean. "Do you perform here often?" Dean nodded. "Yeah. But I've only been singing here for about a year. Ellen says that everyone loves hearing me so I keep coming back." Castiel smiled and took another drink of his beer. The Road House was starting to trickle down to only a few people; Ellen, Jo, Dean, Castiel, Rufus, and another man Dean hadn't recognized. Castiel and Dean had at least 6 beers and were feeling kinda hazy but not to the point of being drunk. They were able to keep a smooth conversation flowing for the hour and a half that they were sitting at the bar. Dean had learned about Castiel's family and that he had a lot of brothers and sisters, his favorite colour, how his family had actually kicked him out of the house because he came out of the closet after graduating high school a year early. So he moved to a different city in Florida, got his own apartment at 17 years old and ended up living there for almost 4 years. Eventually he said that he needed new scenery and came up here to live in Kansas and has only been here for a couple of weeks. One of Castiel's co-workers, Dick, said that the Road House was a great place to go on Saturday nights so he decided to come here and check it out. Castiel complemented Dean on his performance and told him time after time that he had a beautiful voice. Dean would say thank you every time and smile, knowing that Castiel loved something about him already too. Eventually they had to leave, getting told by Ellen to 'take a damn cab or she'd rip Dean a new one.' They grabbed their jackets, Dean his beloved leather jacket and Castiel his trenchcoat and headed out to the cab Ellen had called for them. Dean's apartment ended up being closer so he was dropped off first. He turned to Castiel before getting out and giving him his number, he paid the taxi driver for both his and Castiel's ride and headed inside with nothing but a big smile on his face. 

At some point Dean had calmed down during his trip to memory lane. He made himself sit up to lean against Castiel's casket. "I remember that day so clearly Cas." he said aloud. "I couldn't stop thinking about ya. I was so excited and wondered if you would text me or call me that night that I couldn't sleep." Dean laughed at himself remembering how much of a teenager he acted like back then. "I'm so glad I met you that day." He said with a whisper. "Because that's the day I started falling in love with you." Dean closed his eyes and a single tear ran down his cheek. 

**Author's Note:**

> There will be more to this, I just kind of wanna do like a trip down memory lane for Dean. So the first day they met and so on and so forth. I'm sorry for the feels.


End file.
